You
stack a pair of problems—so determined by dilemmas—so confused by chaos. Your name
is Robert. This mirror has been maddening. This fuel has been insufferable. You
chance a feeling, while loopy on liquor, and Angelica says, “You’re just drunk—this
is not love.” What a mistake; to have waited so long, to have played the mannequin,
and then all eyes on your folly.
You
were reading when the phone jingled. It was Angelica; although you had surprised
her with an overture, she was curious and quite nice: “You are delirious,
Robert—what were you thinking?” You don’t link the pieces. You feel uneasy. But
Angelica says, “You’re off the hook.” You chuckle, make a joke, and end the
call.
There
are insecurities running races. There are excuses against reaching for joy.
Angelica
is sweet, vivacious, radiant and spunky. She is smart and sassy. But she has
been on and off with Jeremy for the last two years. Nevertheless, Angelica
writes about you in her diary. She places notations by your name. It is hard to
ignore, Angelica, especially, when she is with Jeremy. They look comfortable,
but not thrown into each other. You smile at them, shoot a few darts, and drink
a few beers. This beer thing is mostly ritual, or feelings churning, or a
battle with internal chaos. You have always been a brooder, and mulling, that
person just drifting and feeling his intestines. However, Angelica often
rescues you, saying nice things, and sharing in your thoughts. You really
admire her, this creative woman, this perpetual friend.
Jeremy
has been jealous of you and Angelica. This friendship is bothering him. You’ve
known Angelica longer, but Jeremy doesn’t seem to honor that. Last week at the
local bar, Jeremy comes up to you: “What’s going on, Robert?” You nod but your
senses are tingling. Jeremy continues: “You and Angelica are close, she speaks about
you often, are you interested in her?” You say, “Jeremy, Angelica is dear to
me, and I respect her decision to be with you—let’s leave it at that.” But Jeremy
is uncertain about what he just heard. As he goes to speak further, Angelica comes
over: “What are you two whisper about?” she says. And Jeremy walks away.
You
tell Angelica this place that Jeremy is in. Angelica darts for Jeremy: “What
the hell are you going through? We’ve discussed this several times. I asked you
to let it go.” Jeremy chuckles and flashes a facetious smile. Then he says: “Your
friend has feelings for you—don’t you, Robert?” But before you could speak,
Angelica was there in that space: “Jeremy, leave it alone, Robert was drunk.”
But Jeremy needed more. He needed for this friendship to cancel itself. But neither
you or Angelica were about to do that. Angelica speaks: “Jeremy, I love you,
but you are going too far—should we just take a break?” This meant another
separation, and Jeremy agreed.
Angelica
comes to you. She cries a little, but nothing too much. You two talk. You like
her hairline. You like her hands and cuticles. Jeremy is watching. His energy
is loud. Angelica glances over at him. They hold eye-contact, and then she
looks away. You imagine if you were Jeremy—how sick you’d be. But you need to
be present for Angelica.
