The
soul asks the following: “…how will a spark live if not in its fire? Or how can
a drop [of water] exist if not in its fountain?” (Gertrude the Great, 77) This
is life, to mention worth bearing, to carry worth seeding. We speak of oh this
fire, mingled with oh this fountain, as alive as pulsating winds. “Oh love, not
light-bearing, but God-bearing, come to me now bountifully that I may dulcetly
melt in you” (74); for such is most worthy—an audience, to wait for but a flicker;
for such a flicker, ignites a mountain, where but a whisper is guidance;
and…“through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto
me” (Augustine, 5). I lived as a villain: to run amuck, stationed in chaos, a
friend of guile; and “What evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my
deeds, my words, or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, art good and
merciful, and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from
the bottom of my heart, emptied that abyss of corruption” (176); where a soul
dies in parts, to live in parts, to find for wholeness. Every deed was a sin;
for every word was a blemish, founded upon the crux of madness; for mother knew
not the forecast; and father, albeit saved, knew not the weather; where an
avalanche wrecked our values, setting us in tumultuous darkness; for mother
“…not knowing what a son she had in me” (98), failed to cultivate Christ, which
dwelled in both my heart and loins. “I turned to the nature of the mind,” (68)
despite Thy visitation; but “To enjoy you is to be one with God. You are that
peace which surpasses all understanding and [you are] the road by which one
comes to the inner chamber” (Gertrude the Great, 78); where we speak of the fountain
of fire, rising unto mercy, held in tender affection, yearning for a most holy “kiss”
(St. Bernard of Clairvaux).
Gertrude
the Great of Helfta. Spiritual Exercises.
Kalamazoo: Cistercian Publications, 1989.
St.
Augustine. The Confessions of St.
Augustine. New York: Barnes & Noble Books, 2003.
